No. That was not a typo. And no, it is not a derogatory term for an involuntary (or in a houseful of boys, unfortunately sometimes, voluntary) bodily gaseous emissions. Farding is the act of applying cosmetics to one’s face. Did you know that? You may now, guiltless, announce at full volume from the bathroom that you are farding and you would like to be left alone while so doing for just five solitary minutes! Your teenagers will probably commence fake gagging and gasp audibly with all of their dramatized shock and horror. Bonus points for you if you announce this when their friends are over!
Okay, so back on topic. Farding while driving is dangerous enough. I fard regularly while riding in the passenger seat on the way to church. How else is a mom of four supposed to manage to look presentable at church if she can’t maximize every moment of her time on that harried weekly experience that is getting a family in the car to go to worship without having a family feud break out. Experience tells me that this phenomena increases by gigajoules during the winter months when layering, bundling, gloves, toques, balaclavas, scarves and puffy coats is the norm and when squeezing all of those articles (with people inside no less) into a 5 point harness car seat. All this to tell you that I fard on the way to church but not ever, never ever, no never do I fard while driving. I’m guilty of farding at a red light now and then but only in moments of desperation. Oops. I veered off topic again. (Speaking of women drivers! Sheesh!)
Today we saw something that beat farding while driving by a mile. We saw a girl holding her cell phone up to her right ear with her left hand while eating a Popsicle with her right hand. Are you trying to picture that and having to try it yourself to see how that would work? While driving. Does that strike anyone else as beyond ridiculous? We couldn’t stop laughing. And I must admit I stared for an ungodly amount of time. I couldn’t help it. “Why?” kept coming to mind. Why does a girl have to hold her cell phone with her left hand up to her opposite ear at all, even when there is no Popsicle in the picture? Something tells me her phone probably had a speaker feature. It looked newfangled enough. And why must we do this strange maneuver whilst licking on a purple Popsicle like our lives depend upon it? Talking on the cell phone in this manner while holding the Popsicle in this manner would have been strange enough to see on a non-driving, seated on a front porch, person. But a driving person?
So while some of you might still just be reeling at the shock that there is a word for applying one’s makeup and that it sounds vaguely disgusting and quite unfeminine, I am sitting here wondering what a word that means holding a cell phone with your left hand up to your right ear while eating a Popsicle with the other hand might sound like if this became a common enough occurrence that it would require it’s own verb…