I’m tired. Too tired to come up with a fetching title.
Physically, emotionally, spiritually and in every other way. Tired.
I’m tired of the daily grind, the trials and responsibilities of parenting, homeschooling, cooking, working, looking for work for my husband. Tired of moving and tired of thinking of moving. Tired of messes, stresses, laundry, litter, dishes, dumbness, toys, T.V., paper, paperwork, grounding, grouches, homework, heartbreak, dust, discipline, and broken bikes.
It seems like few things avoid being the subject from which my nerves derive frazzledness.
Does this mean I’m depressed? Possibly. I don’t think it’s a clinical depression. I think it’s more of a spiritual depression. Or at least a spiritual double dip recession. Somewhere deep down there is a joy and a hope that knows that God is in control and that He is working all things for our good and His glory. But that hope and joy seems to be wrapped in several layers of the emotional equivalent to old greasy paper hamburger wrappers. The kind you don’t want to touch.
All of life feels open ended right now. I’ve known for a long time that even before we left Calgary, God was taking us out of the game so that he could do open heart surgery on us. When you find yourself under the care of such a Great Physician you can only feel relief that you have the Best and the Brightest working on your behalf. But it doesn’t lessen the pain of it all. It feels as if it’s the longest open heart surgery ever wherein the process and the healing take so long that the chest cavity is left open because of excess inflammation. When will He stitch us back up and write us a note that says we can play sports again? I am being extremely metaphorical here. I know that so many people endure worse and longer crises. I am thankful for God’s providence in all of this. We have not gone hungry. We are keeping afloat. He is providing day by day and sending miracles our way out of the blue like He did yesterday in the form of an anonymous gift of cash. We are so thankful.
I am an ungrateful child. He gives and takes away. The rains are his blessings pouring down. Sunshine is nice and feels good but without the rains there would be no growth — only parched ground. Still… when you are in the downpour of His severe mercies, even when they are punctuated by awesome moments in the sun… you still look forward longingly for a time when the rainy seasons will end and you will be able to see the Son’s glorious work bear fruit because you know deep down that while the rain is necessary, it is not meant to last forever.
So I still find that I am praying for this season to pass into one where we see the abundant fruits of the rainy season begin to bloom.
1 I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up
and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
2 O LORD my God, I cried to you for help,
and you have healed me.
3 O LORD, you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.a
4 Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints,
and give thanks to his holy name.b
5 For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.c
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
6 As for me, I said in my prosperity,
“I shall never be moved.”
7 By your favor, O LORD,
you made my mountain stand strong;
you hid your face;
I was dismayed.
8 To you, O LORD, I cry,
and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
9 “What profit is there in my death,d
if I go down to the pit?e
Will the dust praise you?
Will it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me!
O LORD, be my helper!”
11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
12 that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!